How To Deal With a Cheater (Harper’s Bazaar)
By Jackie Collins as told to Joyann King. Originally posted in Harper’s Bazaar.
Jackie Collins knows a thing or two about life in the fast lane. The racy novelist specializes in Hollywood romance and drama — which we have gotten a real-life dose of as of late with headlines blazing about infidelity, social-media mishaps and other married-men no-no’s — and her wry sense of humor and spitfire approach could teach us all a few lessons in love. BAZAAR sat down with the best-selling author to find out her six-step program to catch a cheater — and be done with him for good.
1) Catch them. Men are like little boys, so check their pockets. I had one girlfriend who caught her man cheating on her this way. He carried a condom in his wallet — all men do this, even married men, as they never know when that opportunity will arise. She used to put a pen mark on it so she would know if it was replaced with a new one. One day it was. Also go through their emails. You absolutely must get the code to their cell phone and check their calls. You have to be vigilant. If you are married to a movie star, never ever let them go on location, because trust me, nothing good will come of it.
2) Dump ’em. Because if they’ve done it once they are going to do it again. Only desperate women take cheaters back and they make us look bad. Unfortunately, strip clubs have been replaced by the Internet and now men can see anything they want without even paying for it. That’s what Anthony Weiner was doing. But John Edwards and Arnold Schwarzenegger certainly take the cake as cheating Hall of Famers, followed closely by Tiger Woods.
3) Get in your best shape. Because you’ll want to look fantastic. Go out with an old boyfriend he used to be incredibly jealous of, someone you will be sure to be seen with so that he finds out.
4) Change jobs. Start writing a blog that is cleverly disguised as a tell-all, that you can then parlay into a book, that becomes a successful TV series like Sex and the City, then a blockbuster film. You’ll become a Hollywood mogul, taking trips to Paris and Rome, while the poor old dud stays at home!
5) Be fabulous. Being that you are the one who got the house in the settlement, put it on the market immediately. Take the cash and move into a luxurious penthouse with glittering chandeliers and granite bathtubs. Trade in the old Toyota for that Ferrari you’ve always wanted — preferably one in red so everybody sees it. Drive by his house to make sure he definitely does.
6) Play the field. Next up, go out and have a fantastic time. Try to forget about the bad boys, and focus on the really nice guys. Take a cue from reality TV, like The Bachelorette. Do not go for the Bentleys out there. Women always think they can be the one to change a man. That is what Ashley failed to see. Even though she had been warned, she thought he’d be different for her. And unfortunately that is what we all fall for. Look for a man like Bethenny Frankel’s husband, Jason. He is really supports her. He loves his parents; he is one of the good guys. Remember: Don’t go for a Bentley, go for a Jason.
Meanwhile, he has this model-cum-actress girlfriend (the one he was screwing on the side) and in a desperate attempt to redeem himself, he asks her to marry him. And she says, “What are you talking about, I don’t want to marry you. I only like unavailable men.” Then he loses his job, because he is so distraught. He gains 10 pounds. And now that he doesn’t have on a wedding ring on him and is fat, the desperate women are not so into him. And he ends up living with his mom. Shame.